Bulls evicted to Gate 6 Parking Lot until Blackhawks lose
"This Blackhawks run has given them complete control of the United Center, so they can enjoy better ice conditions," said Emanuel. "Plus, we can tow anyone who parks on the court after four inches of snow, set up intersection cameras for revenue and ticket for playing Nate Robinson on defensive sets in the 4th."
Blackhawks crush Heat 124-56 in exhibition basketball game
"It wasn't really that hard," said Marian Hossa, who played power forward and held LeBron James to seven points. "Basketball is a very easy game compared to hockey. While this matchup made no sense, maybe it will cause Stephen A. Smith to shut his mouth."
In hindsight, government officials admit Donald Fehr a terrible choice to handle budget negotiations
"Looking back on it now, we probably should've realized this wasn't going to end well," said Boehner. "We've just been so focused on our own issues, we never checked his NHL or MLB references. Big mistake."
Kane arrested for indecent exposure after misinterpreting media’s ‘streak’ question
Blackhawks forward and notorious party animal Patrick Kane made news on and off the ice today, as he pushed his team over the top against Detroit, then was promptly arrested for streaking after what he termed a "simple misunderstanding, bro."
Dusty Baker given second chance to end Mark Prior’s career
"I can't believe I'm finally getting a chance to finish the job!" exclaimed Baker. "Dude, forget the minors. [Mark] is going straight to the mound on opening day and then right back to the DL after that. I'm putting him on a strict 200-pitch minimum."
Horse meat found in Matt Garza’s right arm
The Chicago Cubs were drawn into Europe's ever-widening food scandal Monday after authorities said they had detected horse meat in Cubs pitcher Matt Garza’s right arm.
Phoenix leveled by giant, rampaging Ryan Braun
Spring Training turned violent today as Milwaukee slugger and suspected steroid user Ryan Braun attacked downtown Phoenix, apparently after "hulking out."
