Spring Training turned violent today as Milwaukee slugger and suspected steroid user Ryan Braun attacked downtown Phoenix, apparently after “hulking out.” Braun leveled the entire city before being shot down by the 41st armored division and a fleet of predator drones.

Braun, who as a rookie in 2007 was listed at 6’1″ and 195 pounds, has grown to a beastly 62’5″ and now weighs 17 tons. He achieved this size through what can be summarized as workouts, herpes treatments, and Sammy Sosa’s new brand of Flintstone Vitamins.

Braun became enraged after the media continued to ask questions about his alleged steroid usage. He answered his final question by crushing many media members, eating a reporter and befriending small Japanese children.

Photoshop by Joel Nielsen

Brew Dreesus