Choosing not to wait until just prior to the start of the 2013 season to make a major player deal, Cubs GM Jed Hoyer pulled the trigger on the biggest trade in team history.

The Cubs sent their entire 40-man roster to the Kane County Cougars, their Class A affiliate, in return for each contracted player on the Cougars’ squad plus the rights to mascot, Ozzie T. Cougar.

“Some might say it’s a business decision,” said Hoyer. “I guess when you reduce payroll by $127.5 million, you might say it is.”

Hoyer’s reasoning behind the trade was pragmatic.

“Let’s face facts. This ball club is going nowhere for the next five years, so why not make this trade?” mused Hoyer. “Our sabermetrics tell us that Kane County was going to outdraw us in attendance in 2013, so it makes even more sense.”

“I look at the deal from a management standpoint,” said Chairman Tom Ricketts. “We traded for a Jumbotron, the new picnic area and at least 27 rooms in the hotel we plan to build.”

The deal isn’t sitting well with at least one now former Cub veteran. “There’s no clubbing in Geneva,” an angry Alfonso Soriano said of the limited night life in the town where the Cougars play. “What am I supposed to do? Hang out at Applebee’s?”

In related news, former Cubs mascot Kerry Wood plans to join the Cougars in a similar capacity.