The Chicago Cubs were drawn into Europe’s ever-widening food scandal Monday after authorities said they had detected horse meat in Cubs pitcher Matt Garza’s right arm.
Laboratory testing revealed that Garza’s pitching arm, which was thought to contain human muscle, tendon and bone, is in fact comprised of 98% low-grade horse flesh.
“For more than a century Cubs fans have suspected the quality of our pitching staff was less than USDA Choice, and this confirms it,” said Cubs Manager Dale Sveum, who before coming to Chicago was quality control manager for IKEA’s Swedish Meatball division. “Hell, yesterday, middle reliever Blake Parker’s arm fell completely off while he was signing an autograph.”
Further testing found that more than half of Cubs pitching arms contained traces of horse meat along with other non-meat fillers and extenders. The sample from starting pitcher Scott Baker’s right elbow was almost two-thirds broken glass.
“And here I thought our biggest problem would be the high percentage of stone in Starlin Castro’s hands,“ Sveum said.
While Cubs officials are clearly concerned with the revelation, they expressed relief that nobody has bothered to check whether there is horse meat in Wrigley Field’s overpriced hot dogs, hamburgers and Italian sausages.
“Because there isn’t!” yelled owner Tom Ricketts.