Breaking!

"It's a tradition we started a few years back to let off a little steam during the middle of the season," said Zaidman. "It's just a bunch of carefree adults of all shapes and sizes hugging, rubbing, touching and loving each other."

“Man, my life is great,” Peppers told ChicagoBears.com in his first interview since the erstwhile Pro Bowler decided to mail it in just after the first preseason game earlier this year. “I spend extra time in the whirlpool at Halas Hall, get at least one massage per day, and two or three times each week, I meet Urlacher for lunch at Chipotle.”

"Shots to the knees shorten careers while headhunting leads to long-term CTE issues," said NFLPA executive director DeMaurice Smith. "But your testicles? What's the worst that can happen, low sperm count?"

In a move that's being described as cost-cutting, convenient and pragmatic, the Houston Astros and New York Mets will sit out the upcoming Major League Baseball season.

"I must admit after kicking butt for the first two periods, we're thinking about which bar or strip club we're going to after the game, then we come out flat for the third," said Patrick Kane.

“For years now, Professor Dumbledore has not given us the tools we need to shoot the quaffle adequately," said Weasley. "Meanwhile, over at Slytherin House, Professor Severus Snape makes sure that his team has the latest in Nimbus broomstick technology and their snitches are golden, not made from aluminum composite by lowly Muggles.”

“The move just made too much sense,” said Bears GM Phil Emery. “We needed a top-notch defensive mind, and Thibs was right down the street.”