Crane Kenney sends himself annual Valentine’s Day card
"This year's card is particularly gushy," said Kenney, brushing back a tear as he read the romantic words he'd written to himself. "It's always great to remember someone loves you more than anything in the world, even if that someone is yourself."
Optimistic Cubs fan eagerly awaiting pitchers and catchers reporting in 2016
"Oh, you thought I meant it's going to be awesome when pitchers and catchers report this year?" he asked back. "No, I mean in 2016 when we might actually have a chance to sniff .500."
Sochi temps at least 5 degrees warmer than usual this time of year
"Any other year, holding the games in such a warm part of the country would have been only borderline ridiculous," said a local Olympic delegate. "But right now, with temperatures reaching nearly 70 instead of the usual 65, we have the egg on the face, as you Americans say."
Putin promises ‘straightest’ Olympics ever
Putin claimed that gay people are welcome to attend all the events, but he quickly added that there will really be no point to them coming to Russia, since "our Olympic spectacle will be entirely heterosexual" in orientation.
Sochi Olympics unveil new, 75% complete mascot
Named "Vladi," the mascot is only 75 percent complete, though officials hope that they can finish making the mascot's costume before Friday's opening ceremonies.
Report: Seattle Seahawks to be relocated to Oklahoma City by David Stern
Stern closed his remarks by stating, "No matter what happens, let's just say that the fair city of Seattle might want to think twice before they issue me a parking ticket in 2005 again."
Mustached Peyton Manning burns down Omaha, Nebraska
Though details are currently sketchy, numerous sources are saying that the fire seems to have been set intentionally and maliciously by Peyton Manning, wearing a fake mustache in an unsuccessful attempt to hide his identity.
