On the eve of opening ceremonies for the Sochi 2014 Winter Olympics, Russian president Vladimir Putin told reporters that the games will be “100 percent straight.” Responding to allegations that Russia is increasingly intolerant of homosexuality, Putin claimed that gay people are welcome to attend all the events, but he quickly added that there will really be no point to them coming to Russia, since “our Olympic spectacle will be entirely heterosexual” in orientation.

Putin outlined the steps his organizing committee has taken to make the Sochi games “even more butch.” Figure skaters will no longer be allowed to perform in sequined costumes and the men will not wear makeup. Instead, they will perform their routines wearing only skates and bearskins. All skiing events will add a biathlon component, so even Alpine races will include rifle fire.

“Hockey games will be played entirely in the nude,” Putin said. “Women too.”

Pressed to defend his changes, Putin claimed he was merely restoring historical accuracy to the games.

“The Olympics have always been a celebration of hetero-normative society,” Putin stated. “Ever since classical antiquity, when strapping, young Greek men, naked and sweaty, wrestled for the laurel-wreath crown, there has been nothing gay about the games.”

The president continued, stopping briefly to mop his brow and catch his breath: “Yes, we will all have a very manly time in Sochi. Women too.”

Cary Nathenson