Breaking!

"I've worked very hard during my time off to cultivate the flow and get the razors just right on the sides," said Kane. "My mullet will return to the ice in epic, glorious fashion whether we face the Blues or the Avalanche next week."

"Both the Cubs and Reds are 3-6, but thanks to 'Chi' being alphabetically superior to 'Cin,' the Cubs actually look like they're in fourth place all alone," said Benson. "And frankly, I'll take it!"

After the White Sox started the year with four wins in their first nine games, fans throughout the city have deluded themselves about why the CTA repaired the southbound Red Line train before the 2014 season.

"This will finally determine if the Blackhawks have an answer for LeBron James," said ESPN NBA analyst Stephen A Smith. Smith was in full support of the idea, after last year when he claimed that the Heat were more impressive than the Blackhawks.

Originally published in 2007, The Cubs Fan's Guide To Happiness is back with an updated edition for 2014. The book reveals what makes Cubs fans tick and what keeps them happy. It explains why it’s not over until you’re mathematically eliminated, why winning really isn’t everything, and why it’s perfectly acceptable to blame all your troubles on a scapegoat, which may or may not be an actual goat.

"After everyone poked fun at me for wearing the wrong visitors uniform the other day, I really wanted to make sure not to make the same mistake. But when I saw a blue home jersey and an antique suit of armor, I totally blanked on which one we were wearing for this series. I panicked, and I guess I chose the wrong uniform, which I pretty much realized right away when it started clinking heavily as I slowly lumbered to the outfield during warmups."

Many baseball experts believe that the Cubs are entering a grey area between rebuilding and actually competing. But, just a few days into the 2014 season, the players on the roster are still expressing confusion as to whether they should be tanking.