Sport

“I am the new Sammy Sosa,” said Lake, who has struck out at a 32 percent clip over his 584 career at-bats. “Pretty soon I will have hit over 600 home runs and will be in the Hall of Fame.”

While any out of state Chicago Blackhawks fans are barred entry to the arena Wednesday night, any bandwagon Lightning fans are welcome to attend the game and wear the Steven Stamkos jersey they bought yesterday.

Adding to the increased hospitality for visiting fans, United Center concessions will serve stick skewered possum with a side of deep fried alligator snout, play at least one Florida Georgia Line song between periods, and hold a petting zoo with swamp creatures resembling Anaheim Ducks forward Corey Perry.

“I can’t explain it,” said a stunned Rizzo. “One second I was about to take a swing and the next thing I know, a fastball nails me right next to my man zone. There wasn’t anybody around, but I swear the the [expletive deleted] plunked me."

An intern at Amelie Arena, who wished to remain anonymous stated, "Look. Nobody should come into our house wearing their colors. This is our stompin' grounds!"

Sources say Bulls GM John Paxson is set to name Iowa State's Fred Hoibery as the team's new coach they'll fire in three to five years, replacing the hugely successful Tom Thibodeau, who was bounced after five seasons of .600-plus basketball.

In a move that almost makes too much sense, embattled FIFA President Sepp Blatter has announced he will be leaving soccer’s governing body so that he can bring his much needed leadership skills to the JRW All-Stars, Chicago’s controversial Little League team.