In a move that almost makes too much sense, embattled FIFA President Sepp Blatter has announced he will be leaving soccer’s governing body so that he can bring his much needed leadership skills to the JRW All-Stars, Chicago’s controversial Little League team. Blatter made his announcement while leaving a five-star hotel in Qatar just before 4:30 in the morning, well before the impending arrival of agents from the United States Department of Justice.
As he boarded his private plane, a tricked-out GulfStream 5 that was on loan from Blatter’s good friend, Russian President Vladimir Putin, Blatter addressed the media:
“I couldn’t be more excited about my new position with the Jackie Robinson All-Stars. Under my watch, I promise you there will be no corruption whatsoever. All Capri Sun packets and ice cream bars will be accounted for, and if any player even thinks about applying for membership on this team and he is from another district, I will simply have no idea that this happened, probably because I will be in my luxury high-rise apartment in Brazil, that I purchased right before the last World Cup.”
Although going from World Cup soccer to Little League baseball will be a transition for Blatter, experts claim he will be fine once he figures out some of the differences between the sports:
–Smaller crowds at games mean far fewer Nepalese immigrant workers need to die during construction of new stadiums.
–Kickbacks and payouts will no longer be made with envelopes full of money but rather with sunflower seeds and trips to the snack bar.
–Money saved on hiring prostitutes can best be used to cover gas mileage going to recruit players that live several districts away.