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"I tried extra batting practice, no batting practice, a bunting tournament, nothing worked," said Ventura. "But we do have a huge surplus on fireworks, so I figured maybe that would work as motivation. The only fireworks I've seen this season have been Adam Dunn's profane tirades after striking out."

"No one said this was going to be easy," Kane told a hastily assembled press conference. "Sure, the first couple of nights in bars on Division St., I thought this was going to be a cake-walk, but true champions persevere, even when they find themselves sharing a cold Schlitz with Lord Stanley and delayed passengers at the Chili's in Midway Airport on a Tuesday morning. That's hockey, baby!"

“Look at me now,” Russell told ESPN reporters after downing 67 hot dogs in 10 minutes coming within one wiener from the world’s record.

The original Fourth of July meant many things to many people, but perhaps no one was more excited than Cubs superfan Ronnie Woo-Woo Wickers who used the opportunity to share the spotlight with our nation's Founding Fathers.

"I have no idea who they got for him but as long as it's not Carlos Marmol, I'm happy," said Steven Carter, who drove from Schaumburg to show his support of the trade with a "Hell no! He won't blow (saves for us anymore)!"-sign.

"I almost choked on my cigar smoke when I heard the trade," Steve Stone said. "Is there any way I can switch teams again? Jed Hoyer is a genius."

Out of fear that the deal was too good to be true, savvy General Manager Jed Hoyer inserted a little used, but time-honored, clause into the deal.