In what was thought to be an absolutely impossible trade, the Cubs brass have managed to push human fire hazard, Carlos Marmol, onto the Dodgers—who, by all accounts have had recent extreme success in burning cash. In exchange, the Cubs received nobody the fan base will know. And for at least one day this summer, Cubs fans rejoiced.

Out of fear that the deal was too good to be true, savvy General Manager Jed Hoyer inserted a little used, but time-honored, clause into the deal.

“I placed a clear and unambiguous NO TAKE BACKS! provision at the end of the deal!” an elated Hoyer said. “That language has not been breached since I was an 8-year-old at the jungle gym. But I eventually won that argument because of the ‘jinx—double-jinx’ provision I asserted shortly after the shouting match began. I stuck the same clause into note 5 of the Marmol deal, too—just in case.

When asked if the provision was legal in Major League Baseball, Commissioner, Bud Selig verified the same.

“Indeed,” Selig said. “No take backs is as much a part of the game as the designated hitter and steroids during the ’90s.”

Manny L. Scoreboard