The alcohol-fueled victory lap that began just hours after the Blackhawks won the Stanley Cup is now officially over. Hawks winger and reigning Conn Smythe winner Patrick Kane announced today that he has brought the Cup to all the bars, taverns, and packaged-goods stores in Chicagoland. The heavy drinking and traveling took their toll on the Blackhawks star over the course of the past few weeks.

“No one said this was going to be easy,” Kane told a hastily assembled press conference. “Sure, the first couple of nights in bars on Division St., I thought this was going to be a cake-walk, but true champions persevere, even when they find themselves sharing a cold Schlitz with Lord Stanley and delayed passengers at the Chili’s in Midway Airport on a Tuesday morning. That’s hockey, baby!”

Kane’s epic celebration was thought to be complete yesterday with a stop at the Dairy Bar in Glenview, but when it was revealed that the only malted beverages they serve are milk shakes, Kane was forced to continue his search. He finally put down the Stanley Cup in front of a July 4th keg party at the Northwestern Chapter of the AEP fraternity and declared his mission accomplished.

“We did it, baby! This was a party worthy of our great season,” Kane stated. Asked if he thought the Blackhawks would repeat in 2014, Kane responded that he sure hoped so, because by then he would probably be thirsty again.

Cary Nathenson