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"I asked coach Trestman when we were going to practice wasting timeouts and he gave me the weirdest look," said quarterback Jay Cutler. "A couple times during drills, I'd call timeout, go to the sideline to cuss everyone out, then coach would ask me what the hell I was doing since there were 15 seconds left to run the play."

"From the bottom of my heart, I'd like to apologize to my coaches, teammates and fans for my extremely unbecoming behavior," said Cooper. "I sincerely regret my extremely questionable decision to attend a recent Kenny Chesney concert."

For Cubs fans, this fight was largely personal. Already incensed there was a six pitcher limit on beers at the bars surrounding Wrigley, they saw the large soda restriction as one further step by the government to remove the most basic of their civil liberties.

Plans for a new candy with dispenser honoring Ryan Braun to be sold at Miller Park will still take place even though Braun is facing suspension for multiple drug violations.

“I’ve heard the whispers, which have now officially become rumors,” Borbon said. “I hoped to be a big part of this team for the next 10 or 12 years, but now I’m not so sure.”

President Obama issued the executive order only after exhaustive peace talks between the fraternity brothers and the Texas A &M stand-out QB broke down at the last possible minute. When pressed by the Associated Press about the strong possibility of a nuclear option, President Obama responded that “All options were on the table.”