All over the North Side of Chicago today, people joined hands in celebration after the Supreme Court narrowly voted to overturn the large soda ban that had been in place at Wrigley Field. The controversial move, which has divided lawmakers and politicians alike, but mostly infuriated the Wrigley faithful, was originally designed to protect Americans from the threat of obesity.
Defiant Cubs fans, however, pointed out that not only were they not concerned about overconsumption and obesity, but they were still in better shape than every single person attending a Milwaukee Brewers home game.
For Cubs fans, this fight was largely personal. Already incensed there was a six pitcher limit on beers at the bars surrounding Wrigley, they saw the large soda restriction as one further step by the government to remove the most basic of their civil liberties.
If the ban had stayed in effect, the 94-ounce soda containers would have slipped all the way down to the minuscule 81-ounce children’s size.
According to numerous sources within the Associated Press, the justices had to be separated multiple times to prevent fisticuffs while they fought over whether or not to give the Wrigley faithful back their giant carbonated beverages. A grave and somber Justice Antonin Scalia spoke after he cast the deciding vote.
“Today’s ruling to provide giant sugary sodas to Cubs fans was one the most important decisions I have ever been a part of in all my years on the bench,” he said.
After the ruling was announced, Cubs management immediately declared that for their Wednesday night game against the Dodgers, all fans in attendance who brought a newborn child to the game would be given a 55-ounce baby bottle which could be filled with their baby’s favorite soda.