NFL

Speculations point to a possible knee injury, but Lovie Smith squashed rumors this morning: "Rex, I mean Brian Urlacher is our middle linebacker, he will just play in a wheelchair. This is what we imagined this year."

"I'm really good at eating pork rinds," Haynesworth noted. "I'm glad somebody finally can put my skills to use. I'd like to show the world how good Americans are at watching TV and eating snacks."

"What you're looking at is a live feed of Tim Tebow's visage on the surface of Mars," said ESPN football analyst Adam Schefter. "Wow. This is definitely going to create a QB controversy here in the Milky Way ... and also at Jets camp."

"I realize what a mistake it was to kill all those people," Champ barked. "But c'mon, that was like five years ago! I'm a totally different dog now and I want my pups to experience the joy of having a human owner. Just because I made a small mistake by viciously abusing and murdering some humans, doesn't mean my puppies should pay the price."

"Sure, I could have worked on my scrambling skills or some bullshit passing drills," said Cutler. "But what I really want to improve are my scowling skills. I just feel like I could have done a lot more in that department last season."

"It's embarrassing," said the officer. "All the guys keep making fun of me for being a cherry. Or they say I must be blind if I haven't spotted a drunk Lion on the road yet."

"It's great to finally get this distraction behind us," said Bill Pinner, a former car salesman who lost his job in 2009. "I'm sure Matt will be as concerned about the job situation for the rest of us as we were for him."