NFL

"I know I've done some bad things to dogs in the past," Vick said. "But I just can't get enough of the little guy's unconditional love. Whenever I fill up my plate for dinner, he gets under my legs and I trip and fumble my food and he gobbles it right up."

"The first two debates were arguments for the ages, but this final showdown will be the rumblin'est, stumblin'est clash of ideologies ever!" Berman shouted to himself in the mirror during prep this morning. "They're gonna be the quickest two minute rebuttals in history! Whooop!"

"I just always felt like Barry would eventually return, but now that he's 44 I guess it's time for me to finally give up on that dream," said Franklin Rogalski of Novi.

While a Bears bye week outreach event was considered by all a great success by most, some onlookers questioned the body language of Jay Cutler after the QB and some teammates used their down time to volunteer at a local soup kitchen.

Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings exclusively for Heckler readers. Despite playing in only 8 NFL games, he was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.

Fantasy football specialists across the country run the risk of pleasing or disappointing millions of followers each week. When each supposed “expert” makes his picks, literally millions of fantasy football players are hanging onto every word. That’s why this week, fantasy gurus everywhere are elated at the proposition that Cam Newton has to sit out.

Much to the chagrin of NHL fans, Commissioner Gary Bettman is still employed. But he is worried, apparently, as he recently began sending out resumes to prospective employers. The Heckler received an exclusive copy.