Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings exclusively for Heckler readers. Despite playing in only 8 NFL games, he was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.

10 – Houston Texans Texans get their sorry asses discount double-checked all up in it by this week’s Master of Disaster Aaron Rodgers (6 TD passes) in 42-24 Sunday night mismatch. Would never have happened to the team if they were called the Oilers.
9 – Manning’s West Denver saved by the bell at the end of round 1 (down 24-0 to ‘Bolts), get up off the canvas in second-half stunner (outscore SD 35-0) behind 3 TD passes by Peyton.
8 – Minnesota Vikings Norsemen fall to 4-2 after 38-26 loss but it’s excusable this week, RGIII got all British on ‘em, scoring by land, air and sea.
7 – Seattle Seahawks Russell Wilson (RWI) out-Brady’s Tom Brady in 24-23 last-minute comeback un-aided by replacement refs. You mad, bro? Better be, chump!
6 – New York Giants The boys holding the heavyweight belt TKO 49ers 26-3, sacking (in paper, not plastic) Alex Smith 6 times and picking off his wounded ducks three times.
5 – San Francisco 49ers At least they didn’t fumble any punts this time vs. Giants. Randy Moss, not a good pick-up, boy looks slower than George Foreman running up Mt. Everest chasing a chicken.
4 – Baltimore Ravens Ravens nip Dallas 31-29. Reports say Ray Lewis is out for the year. Don’t they know Ray Lewis has more lives than Jason, Michael Meyers and Catwoman? He’ll be back kicking ass by Halloween.
3 – Chicago Bears Bears throttle bye week 109-0. For the third straight week Lance Briggs & “Peanut” Tillman return INTs for scores. Area of concern: bye week does sack Cutler 4 times.
2 – Atlanta Falcons Dirty Birds win 23-20 over (blank). Nothing to see here, chumps, nothing to see here.
1 – Oakland Raiders The Silver and Black Attack suffers second straight bye week in Georgia, scrimmage a bit with Atlanta and prepare for the quest to secure the Al Davis Trophy (formerly the Vince Lombardi Trophy, chumps!)

Program note – The October 21st edition of the untelevised NFL pregame show starring myself and Marv Levy (filmed in front of a live studio audience) will feature special guest Terry Bradshaw so he can whine about all of today’s NFL QBs. Bradshaw will be replaced on the FOX pregame show with one of those little wooden birds that takes sips of water. We also play chump/not a chump with SI’s Peter King.

Patrick O. Elia