NFL

Just minutes after the Blackhawks' 6-2 loss to Colorado Friday night, the living members of the 1972 Dolphins again annoyingly toasted the continuation of their reign as pro sports' most recent undefeated team.

"This job was meant for me! Praise be to God!" said an elated Lewis. "I'm not even Catholic ... Hallowed be thy name! But I'm sure that the Cardinals will overlook any sketchy situations I've been in over the course of my life. Hallelujah! God is good! God. God. Jesus. God. God!"

"When I found out I was one of the most disliked athletes in sports, it really hurt," said Cutler. "I mean, I totally care what people think of me ... especially you. One kind status update from you would be like the sun on my heart for a thousand years."

"This is not cool, man! I have no idea what I used to do on those Sundays before last September. It seems like eons ago. Did I do puzzles? Did I spend time with the kids? Do I even have kids?"

To entice researchers to study the abnormalities in his chronically traumatized skull, Cutler has offered to play the entire 2013-14 season without a helmet, thereby maximizing the likelihood of degenerative brain damage. He has also increased the amount of violent hits to his head by playing without an offensive line since 2010.

The NFL has taken notice, placing a color-coded schedule on players' wrists telling them what date it is, and if their team is playing.

"We're actually glad about the scandal," said a spokesperson. "We usually have no idea what's in our meat. I assumed it was squirrel or possum or something. But now that we know it's horse, well, that opens up a bunch of creative avenues we never would've explored."