NFL

"This is amazing!" said Stan Grokowski, wearing a No. 19 Bernie Kosar jersey while walking along the Browns parade route on Euclid Ave. "Sure, we're winless, but we're still in first place. Do you have any idea how great that feels?"

Four punts on third down and the special teams coach calling for a rouge nearly cost the Bears a season-opening win in their game against the Bengals.

“When the pro football season starts, I’m like a boxer in training,” Rodney Tripp, 21, of Cleveland, a staunch Browns fan, said. “No touchy the paw paw until after the Super Bowl.”

The owners have all agreed that if each and every player agrees not to file a lawsuit over head trauma sustained from concussions, they will all be allowed to live on Elysium when they retire.

"Apparently [former head coach] Lovie Smith thought the offense was moving too fast sometimes," said Urlacher. "So we'd constantly be burning timeouts and delaying play calls in an effort to create the right pace. It didn't work as well as the whole faking injuries on defense thing, but you live and learn."

Coming off a 4-12 campaign, Detroit Lions fans needed a reason to believe this season, and head coach Jim Schwartz has provided it, vowing to "learn how to coach this year, I swear."

Cutler’s mixed drink, the “ruby slipper fuzzy navel tanqueray and lady lemon juicy fizz sweetie blast,” will also raise money for charity, with over 10% of the proceeds going towards the 2014 Lake Bluff Girls Debutante Ball.