NFL

"It's hard for me to fathom that the lowly Jets won any games this season, let alone their first one against a slightly better than average Tampa Bay team," said ESPN football analyst John Clayton. "We all thought they'd go 0-16 this year."

"He was supposed to be a leader of the team and he couldn't even kiss my surgically-repaired wrist to ensure it was healing properly?" Urlacher complained during a radio interview. "Whatever. It's no big deal, I guess. I'm not trying to get headlines or anything."

"I'm not here to talk about Christian Ponder, or my habit of putting the opposing quarterback into a headlock until they say 'uncle' every time I beat them in a regular season game," said Suh.

"We strive for the halftime show to be a thing of derision, but we've not had our fans openly hate the Super Bowl halftime show since we got the Black Eyed Peas. So naturally, if we wanted to piss everyone off, we needed to get the most petulant, spoiled, overrated musicians we could think of to play along with Bruno, and Miley and Justin were at the top of our list," said Goodell.

6 – Chicago Bears Bear Downs beat Team Hardknocks 24-21 as Jay Cavallari hits his best bro Brandon Marshall for winning score. My boy “Peanut” Tillman ambushed Bengals by just grabbing the ball out of the air instead of his “Peanut Punch” which I taught him.

"This will give the league a ton of exposure," said Vinnie Andruzzi, commissioner of the Rex Ryan Puts The "Foot" In Football League. "Maybe we can have our draft televised on Fox Sports 1 to help it get better ratings."

"Sure, 32 points is a lot for us," said Bradley. "But we looked really good on that blocked-punt safety yesterday. Maybe we can squeak out a few more of those. A couple field goals and an MJD TD here or there and we've got a great chance at 32 points this season."