Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings exclusively for Heckler readers. Despite playing in only 8 NFL games, he was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.
10 – Detroit Lions Motor City Maulers restore football reality by showing the world and Peter King that Christian Ponder is just a lousy scrub of a QB and not the “game manager” that somehow guided the Vikings to the playoffs last year (picking him off three times in Detroit’s 34-24 win). Reg-gie, Reg-gie Bush scores on a 77-yard screen pass and accounts for almost 200 total yards.
9 – New Orleans Saints The Cajun Crushers, now playing with the Cus D’Amato of football in their corner (Sean Payton), haymaker the Falcons in a Bayou Brawl 23-17. Drew Brees threw for 357 yards and two TDs while Roman Harper picked off a pass in the end zone late to seal the split decision (somehow one judge scored the fight 20-19 Falcons).
8 – Green Bay Packers Pack’s string cheese secondary melted by the smooth, velvet-y moves of Kaepernick & Boldin but they at least showed some grit by shutting down the ‘Niners vaunted rushing attack. Every 250-pound-plus Wisconsin women’s honey buns, Jordy Nelson, racked up 130 yards of Aaron Rodgers’ 333 passing yards, one for a TD.
7 – Philadelphia Eagles Mike Vick flashes his old Golden Gloves form (2 pass TDs/1 rush TD) as Eagles dance around Washington for 3 rounds, peppering the ‘Skins with jabs and body blows and render the fourth quarter irrelevant in 33-27 decision. After one game Washington lookin’ like the NFC East defending chumps, not the champs.
6 – Chicago Bears Bear Downs beat Team Hardknocks 24-21 as Jay Cavallari hits his best bro Brandon Marshall for winning score. My boy “Peanut” Tillman ambushed Bengals by just grabbing the ball out of the air instead of his “Peanut Punch” which I taught him.
5 – New England Patriots Tom Brady, pitching to a group of receivers about as good as those guys in those Wrangler jeans Brett Favre commercials and handing off to running backs who look to be very familiar with the waiver wire, wills the Pats to a last-second 23-21 win at Buffalo (tossing two TDs to some guy, I can’t remember his name. Joe? Pete? Julie?).
4 – Seattle Seahawks ‘Hawks TKO Cam & Carolina 12-7 in a game not worthy of football on a phone. Russellmania (Wilson) passes for 320 yards and one measly TD.
3 – San Francisco I may be a little punch drunk or drunk on my homemade punch or something but doesn’t it seem like the 49ers and the Packers have played 13 straight times? Well, so, maybe I need to get some of that NFL concussion settlement. Colin Kaepernick accounts for 434 total yards and three TDs in 34-28 cheese grating of the Packers.
2 – Denver Broncos Peyton now looks fully healed from his neck “treatments” in Europe last off-season (let’s just say what they did over there was not unrealistically the exact same thing we saw in Rocky IV at Drago’s training session). However, despite throwing for seven TDs and crushing the defending champion Ravens, this week’s Master of Disaster still had the look on his face as if he swallowed the contents of the spit bucket.
1 – Oakland Raiders The Silver and Black Attack disobey the cardinal rule of competition: abstaining from sex before a bout (or, in this case, a game vs. the Lucky-ass Colts). I’m told Saturday night they would have made Patrick Kane of the Blackhawks proud with the work they did in downtown Indy, which wore them down in a 21-17 loss. T. Pryor nevertheless almost single-handedly won the game (217 yards passing/112 yards rushing).
Program note – The September 15th edition of the untelevised NFL pregame show starring myself and Marv Levy will take place inconveniently in the middle of some downtown New York avenue. New for 2013: Marv and I welcome a slew of feature reporters/bimbos to talk to coaches/players, comedian “Super Dave” Osborne out of retirement for hilarious comic relief and a degenerate gambler (Johnny “The Ethnic Stereotype” Snider) to provide the critical information you need so as not to get your legs broke Tuesday morning because of some sorry-ass backdoor cover by an AFC North team playing their second straight road game vs. NFC South squads. ESPN’s Ray Lewis will also stop by and show us how deer antler spray helps when stabbing mofos.