NFL

"It's a tradition we started a few years back to let off a little steam during the middle of the season," said Zaidman. "It's just a bunch of carefree adults of all shapes and sizes hugging, rubbing, touching and loving each other."

"Shots to the knees shorten careers while headhunting leads to long-term CTE issues," said NFLPA executive director DeMaurice Smith. "But your testicles? What's the worst that can happen, low sperm count?"

“For years now, Professor Dumbledore has not given us the tools we need to shoot the quaffle adequately," said Weasley. "Meanwhile, over at Slytherin House, Professor Severus Snape makes sure that his team has the latest in Nimbus broomstick technology and their snitches are golden, not made from aluminum composite by lowly Muggles.”

“The move just made too much sense,” said Bears GM Phil Emery. “We needed a top-notch defensive mind, and Thibs was right down the street.”

Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings exclusively for Heckler readers. Despite playing in only 8 NFL games, he was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.

"Popularity in the program has been declining for years, but not being able to flex out of an abysmal matchup of the two worst football teams outside Florida is a franchise-killer," said TV industry analyst Bob Holloway.

"Is Jerry Angelo running this team again?" said Richard Garcia, a security guard for the airport. "The only good thing about Tebow is the Bears would be the lead story on every SportsCenter."