Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings exclusively for Heckler readers. Despite playing in only 8 NFL games, he was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.
10 – ACME Packers News flash! ACME stuns Browns 31-13, stuns nation. Hometown team dazzles Cleveland 11 with dastardly forward pass perfected by slinger Aaron Rodgers.
9 – Cincinnati Bengals If any team has perfected the 27-24 win, it’s this kitty klub (winning by that score two straight weeks). A. J. Green catches 6 passes for 155 yards and a score.
8 – San Francisco 49ers Kaepernicks Klobber Titans in Tennessee 31-17. The convenient truth: Frank Gore scored twice.
7 – New England Patriots NE falls 30-27 to Geno the Jet (265 total yards, 1 pass TD/1 rush TD) after officials finally enforce rule 9, section 1, article 3 allowing Nick Folk to re-kick game winner. Jets might have finally recovered from the butt fumble.
6 – New Orleans Saints (Bye) Jimmy Graham has second consecutive 0 catch game, annoying fantasy owners everywhere.
5 – Indy Colts Hoosier Horseshoes Hammer Broncos 39-33. No Luck about it, Andrew passes for 3 scores and rushes for one to capture the week 7 Master of Disaster honor.
4 – Kansas City Chiefs Chiefs handle Texans 17-16 despite not returning a Texan pass for a TD (ending a streak of 45 straight games of that nonsense). Tamba Hali records 2.5 of 5 Chief sacks.
3 – Seattle ‘Hawks It seems like the 34-22 Creaming of the Cardinals was about 3 weeks ago, Russell Wilson remains #1 in the class of 2012 QBs (235 yards/3 TDs).
2 – Denver Broncos Broncos busted in Indy but remain in second based on SOC (Strength of Carl). Peyton passes for 386 and 3 scores in futile comeback attempt.
1 – Oakland Raiders (Bye) We spend our week off in preparation for domination of the AFC west down the stretch. The rivers shall choke with the blood of Broncos, Chargers & Chiefs!!!!
Program note – The October 27th edition of the untelevised NFL pregame show starring myself and Marv Levy (sponsored by Victoria’s Secret) honors the passing of our dear friend O.A. “Bum” Phillips. Bum was a great family man, coach, dancer, buzz-cut aficionado, Pulitzer Prize winning advice columnist & tobacco spitter. We’ll miss him.
Also, we’ll have the Carolina Panther cheerleaders playing Twister in a Jell-o pool.