NFL

Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings exclusively for Heckler readers. Mr. Weathers, despite playing only eight career NFL games, was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.

"If two games were good for Ray's initial suspension, one game is good for Adrian his abuse case is of his four-year-old son, who's only about one-eighth the size of Ray's wife."

"There have been so many successful TV spinoffs from Fargo and Stargate SG-1 to MASH, one of the most successful shows of all time, that we felt it was time to make a recurring series from the beloved The Longest Yard films," said Goodell.

"Wouldn't you know it?" said the law enforcement agent. "I double checked and the Ray Rice DVD was in my Spider-Man 2 Blu-Ray sleeve the whole time. I must have sent the wrong one. Man, this is embarrassing."

"I'm excited about these commercials," said Goodell. "Hey, I'm gonna need a new job soon. Listen to this. 15 minutes could save you 15% or more on your car insurance. This is gonna be huge for me. Who needs the NFL?"

The judge showed leniency and granted him time-served because he had been in prison for the last 27 months. This was presumably because burglary and pill-popping really don't look quite that bad amidst everything else that's going on right now.

“We were aware that there was a penalty of some sort,” said head referee, Roger Goodell. “But until we saw the video, we really had no idea what actually could have happened in that scrum and what the level of the infraction could possibly have been. I mean, who could? Until we saw the video replay, it was a mystery!”