Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings exclusively for Heckler readers. Mr. Weathers, despite playing only eight career NFL games, was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.
10 – Buffalo Bills Orchard Park occupants tell Toronto to shove it! Bills berate Miami 29-10 behind five “Deadly” Dan Carpenter field goals, four sacks of Ryan Tannehill & a 102-yard kickoff return by C.J. Spiller.
9 – Arizona Cardinals Awesome Arizona annihilates awful Giants 25-14, baby! Patrick Peterson’s Phoenix pass pirates pilfer two Eli Manning passes, back-up QB Drew Stanton played steady and Ted Ginn, Jr. put the birds in front to stay with a punt return score.
8 – Chicago Bears Warriors of the Windy City uppercut Harbaugh’s Herd 28-20 in the first game in pants stadium (or whatever). Bears withstand early SF KO attempt, harass KO Kaepernick into four turnovers and outscore ‘Niners 21-0 in 12th round. Brandon “Marvelous” Marshall hauls in three of Jay Cutler’s four TD strikes.
7 – Denver Broncos The Mile High Men of Manning maul conservative Kansas City 24-17. Peyton is outstanding aerially (242 yards/3 TDs) but Coach John Fox has to be concerned about his diminished rushing skill (1 carry/-1 yard).
6 – Philadelphia Eagles I didn’t hear no bell! Brotherly lovers bop Colts 30-27 after being down on the canvas 20-6 in the 3rd quarter. This week’s Master of Disaster Darren Sproles leads the way with 178 total yards and a manly TD run.
5 – Cam-o-lina Panthers The Cam Newton bomb neutralizes Ndamukong’s nasty boys! Superman returns to the lineup and passes for 281 yards and a score in 24-7 Lion lick-down. I mean beat down. Lick-down sounds gross.
4 – New England Patriots The defense doesn’t rest, it wrecks! Pats pick off four Viking verticals, sack Matt Cassel six times and hold the Norsemen to 217 total yards. “Steady” Stevan Ridley riddles Vikes for 101 yards/TD in 30-7 whoopin’.
3 – Cincinnati Bengals Pow! The orange & black attack sack and attack ailing Atlanta, 24-10. Giovani Bernard accounts for 169 total yards and a score while disruptive “D” tackle Dom Peko & his dudes debilitate Matt Ryan (two sacks/three INTs).
2 – Seattle Seahawks The powerhouse of the Pacific northwest electrocuted in San Diego! Champs stunned by three TD bolts from Phil Rivers to Antonio Gates while Marshawn Lynch only runs for 36 yards in 30-21 Charger conquest.
1 – Oakland Raiders The plucky pugilists awarded second straight forfeit victory when league discovers Texan DE J.J. Watt (TD catch) used so many PEDs, juices and steroids that every other Houston player had been infected with his illegal substance cocktail.
Program note – The September 21st edition of the untelevised NFL pregame show starring myself, Marv Levy and Ted Danson goes off: in light of all the recent off-field crap and ineffective league response, Marv & I fire Roger Goodell and take over as co-commissioners. Then, it’s People’s Court style justice, we whoop Ray Rice, Adrian Peterson, Ray McDonald, Jim Irsay…