NFL

"Back up there in Wisconsin, every other car has a 10-point buck on the roof," said Wartonson. "Or at least a doe and a couple of foxes or something. What the hell do people in Chicago do from Monday to Saturday?"

"He needs to realize he can't say these types of comments about the NFL Commissioner. The NFL makes lots of money for ESPN. I mean, like, crazy money for us. Roger Goodell is a great man and a great leader. Plus he knows that ESPN and the NFL are in bed together."

Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings exclusively for Heckler readers. Mr. Weathers, despite playing only eight career NFL games, was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.

Follow along as the Bears hobbled wide-outs (hopefully) ring up 300 yards and three TDs against the Jets' second-rate defensive backfield.

Mankato, Minn., resident Calvin Schroeder concluded a 48-hour period of much soul-searching Friday by announcing that he needs to “get this right” by cutting running back Adrian Peterson from his fantasy football roster.

Following the disapproval of other NFL sponsors such as Anheuser-Busch and Radisson Hotels, GoDaddy.com expressed their dissatisfaction with the recent NFL handling of the Ray Rice, Greg Hardy and Adrian Peterson situations.

"C'mon, Cat Scratch Fever is awesome and Ted promised he wouldn't bring any loaded guns to the game," said Goodell. "We thought this news would shift the focus away from the Ray Rice and Adrian Peterson situations, and the way we keep dousing them with gasoline. Which reminds me, there will be amazing pyrotechnics during the show. America will love it!"