Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings exclusively for Heckler readers. Mr. Weathers, despite playing only eight career NFL games, was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.
10 – Detroit Lions Megatron & his Motor City Maulers bop Aaron Rodgers & the Pack around like a bad sparring session, prevailing 19-7. Ndamukong Suh (1 sack) leads the defense that holds Jordy & The Jets to 223 total yards and outscores the Pack “O” 9-7 (fumble return for TD and a safety).
9 – Arizona Cardinals Phoenix phu*ks up Forty Niners 23-14, shutting out San Fran in the second half and making Jim Harbaugh contort his face like a constipated computer programmer. Drew Stanton connects with WR John Brown for two second half TDs.
8 – New York Football Giants Led by elite QB Eli Manning…Ha, just kidding! The Giants suck. Your #8 team is the San Diego Chargers. Nobody circles the wagons in Buffalo like the San Diego Football Chargers! Lighting Bolts lasso the Buffalo Wings 22-10 as Phillip Rivers hits Eddie Royal for two TDs.
7 – Denver Broncos The Colorado Crew suffers an OT KO at the fists of the champs in Seattle, but can take a little pride in the competitiveness of the bout compared to last year’s title tilt vs. Seahawks (26-20 yesterday vs. 43-8 in Super Bowl XQY2&#$??). Emanuel Sanders hauls in 11 aerials from Peyton for 149 yards.
6 – Philadelphia Eagles “Knockout” Nick Foles survives rough Redskin rush, throws for three TDs in 37-34 comeback. WHOA we got a donnybrook! Teams duke it out after a late hit on Foles, got my juices flowing! Time for a stew!
5 – Chicago Bears Attention passengers: We’re returning to the terminal as this Jet is having maintenance issues, it seems we have the Bears stuck in our engine. Monsters of Broadway continue their prime time dominance with a 27-19 win over the Jets. Martellus Bennett hits it with two TD catches.
4 – New England Patriots I don’t give no high fives to Brady, to Bob Kraft, none of ‘em. But Belichick is hiding under my recliner with an Uzi so the Pats are #4. Tuck you, Roger Goodell, tuck you very much. Grrrr!!!!
3 – Cincinnati Bengals The Carrot Top Cannon Andy Dalton leads lead-fisted lashing of the Titans in the Queen City! Dalton becomes the first QB in Cincy history to catch a TD pass off a reverse in the Bengals 33-7 victory.
2 – Seattle Seahawks “Mighty” Marshawn Lynch (this week’s Master of Disaster) matriculated into the end zone in OT to secure Seattle stomping of their doormat, the Denver Broncos. Lynch also caught a TD pass in regulation, the old one-two touchdown combo! Pow!
1 – Oakland Raiders Raiders once again thwarted by the NFL in New England, the league expanded the tuck rule to all Silver & Black sluggers with tucked in jerseys (ejecting 99% of the team before kickoff). Still, fill in Oaklanders made up of ballboys & practice squad squires hang with N.E. to the bitter end, falling 16-9 late.
Program note – The September 28th edition of the untelevised NFL pregame show starring myself and Marv Levy features the two of us breaking out our beer maestro hard hats to teach all you chumps how to properly pair the beer you drink with games you’re watching. 1pm games, you want a light session ale, 4pm games perhaps a nice IPA (I have created the All-Weathers IPA 4.7% ABV for these occasions) and so forth. If you want to watch the Packers it’s best to drink a stiff stout beer with at least a 13.0% ABV to knock you out before halftime.