Thursday, March 28, 2024

Con Edison unable to restore power to David Wright and Jason Bay

"We had hoped they'd be able to jump start Jason and David, but Con Edison told us they can only do so much," said Mets GM Sandy Alderson. "I suppose we should be happy we have electricity at our stadium, but I was really hoping to find a way we could get a little more pop out of these guys."

Why The Wall Street Journal must be destroyed

Having not been relevant since 1993, and still subscribing to the notion that people actually care what the mouthpiece of a corrupt corporate parent company prints, The Wall Street Journal must at long last contemplate the only thing that can restore the venerable news institution to its former glory: destroying its headquarters.

Cubs sign Hologram Tupac for Soriano’s late-inning defensive replacement

With as bad as the Cubs have been to start this year, they are looking for anything living, moving or Woo-Wooing to somehow help the club and restore this proud franchise. That's why yesterday, the Cubs signed Hologram Tupac as their late inning defensive replacement for left fielder Alfonso Soriano.

Breaking Scandal: Cubs lost last 10 of 12 games to get a better draft...

An anonymous source confirmed that Theo Epstein and Jed Hoyer determined that the Cubs could not win the World Series, so they instituted a systematic process to lose 10 of their last 12 games.

Buehrle wishes Vick would get hurt like his dogs, unsure about proper punishment for...

"I'd like to say Favre should be forced to look at text messages of some guy's junk, but I'm not sure the punishment fits the crime," said Buehrle.

Manfred reluctantly admits he doesn’t have what it takes to kill baseball forever

"I did my best to kill the game," said Manfred, "but ultimately I fell short of ending it forever."

Convention Update: Cubs fan and horrible bar food lover to hit up Kitty O’Sheas...

"I know people call it 'Shitty Okays,' but something about terrible overpriced bar food really gets to me," said David Stibe, from Davenport. "Even though the Convention isn't there this year, I just feel like I have to stop by for a $14 corned beef sandwich, hockey puck that it is."