Having not been relevant since 1993, and still subscribing to the notion that people actually care what the mouthpiece of a corrupt corporate parent company prints, The Wall Street Journal must at long last contemplate the only thing that can restore the venerable news institution to its former glory: destroying its headquarters.
There are likely an infinite number of reasons The Wall Street Journal is irrelevant today, but here are just a few:
1. They publish columns about Why Wrigley Field Must Be Destroyed. Nothing exudes journalistic integrity more than a hard-hitting piece that claims a baseball stadium is “schizo” and “too damn nice.”
2. Their editorial model is older than, well, Wrigley Field.
3. Ever since the flyswatter was invented, people haven’t really had much use for physical newspapers.
4. Compounding matters, their website only gets 1/10th the traffic of your mom’s horticulture blog.
5. When asked which news organization they would rather work for — The Wall Street Journal or the New York Times — most journalists opted for the one that isn’t run by the guy responsible for the largest scandal in newspaper history.
6. We heard they put ketchup on their hot dogs.