Adam “Big Donkey” Dunn leads the White Sox with 11 home runs, which equals his total from last season. He recently admitted he took a desperate gamble to improve his game from the nightmare of 2011. He didn’t use HGH, steroids or a laxative but instead he devoured over 300 batteries hurled at him last season by angry South Siders.

“Last year was so bad, I couldn’t hit my way out of a wet paper bag,” said Dunn, weeping. “I thought of using all the drugs available but decided it’s not worth it to take the chance of getting caught and labeled a cheater. Nothing worked, extra BP, yoga, yogurt, nothing, I was desperate coming into this year to live up to my contract. Then I remembered all those batteries I collected that fans threw at me that I was going to use for my Walkman and thought perhaps they might power me like they power my good ole Sony.”

Dunn confirmed with MLB that battery acid was not at this point a banned substance and then gulped down two to three batteries a day during the off-season (suffering only minor stomach discomfort and dry mouth). When the season began and balls started flying off his bat again it was obvious the gamble paid off, with Dunn’s mates now re-nicknaming him “Big Duracell.”

Patrick O. Elia