Because attendance at Marlins games has been so low in recent years, GM Michael Hill was hoping to add some excitement to the team with the acquisitions of Ozzie Guillen and Carlos Zambrano. So far, Ozzie has held up his end of the bargain by causing an outrage over his stated affection for a brutal communist dictator, but Zambrano has been quite a letdown.

“If the Marlins wanted fireworks when they signed Zambrano, a dud is what they got,” said Dan LeBatard, the “Jay Mariotti” of Miami. “He just walks around saying ‘serenity now’ anytime something bothers him. He’s stayed calm so far, but hopefully there’s a storm brewing.”

Team officials were planning — and hoping — for the worst. They’ve done everything they can to provoke him. Pictures of Michael Barrett have been plastered all over the clubhouse on days which Zambrano is scheduled to pitch. Clubhouse attendants have been bribed to give him wet willies while he’s getting dressed before games. The team even bought him jock straps that are three sizes too small, just to make him irritable.

Unfortunately, it’s all been for naught. Zambrano has behaved better than Tim Tebow in a church. Now the team will be forced to dispose of the Zambrano-themed cuckoo clocks they were planning to sell in the gift shop, costing the team millions.

“We predicted it would have been a hot item and had tons of those things made up,” said Ken Matheson, a marketing rep for the Marlins who has one of the clocks hanging in his office. “We wanted to give them away to children’s’ charities throughout Florida, but people complained that the enraged look on his face that popped out when the clock struck 12 was scaring the children.”

Michael Kloempken