MLB

“Look, those years in Chicago dealing with guys like Zambrano and Soriano left me with a lot of gray. It really did,” says Piniella in the television ads. “But with Just for Men, even my four-day growth of beard stubble is looking dark and natural. I’m like a new man.”

Unstable Cubs pitcher Carlos Zambrano has a new friend that helps him remain calm and showcase his sensitive side: a two-year old canine named Wiggles. Zambrano carries Wiggles around in a backpack at all times, even when he's on the mound.

Judd Sirott’s career fast track hit a bump in the road recently when the nonstop talker’s application for an additional inning of Cubs play-by-play was rejected because, in the hiring manager’s opinion, Sirott must be “raving mad.”

“He screamed so loud, I thought a little girl had snuck into the complex,” said pitching coach Don Cooper. “He just wouldn’t stop whining about his nail. I seriously thought he was going to cry.”

43-year-old White Sox infielder/bingo enthusiast Omar Vizquel won his medical appeal and was granted permission by MLB to use a walker on the basepaths. Vizquel requires the aid of a walker to protect his “troublesome hip” and to defend himself against “young punks” like Chris Sale and Brent Morel.

“Sure, higher ticket prices were a good start, but I really want the Cubbies to make a financial killing,” he said. “Good organizations have a common goal from the top down, so I think we’re finally on the same page: let’s milk this cash cow. I’m willing to do my part if you are.”

More than five years of attempts to preserve the endangered Nomar Garciaparra Cubs jersey have come up short, it was learned early Sunday. The last known Garciaparra No. 5 met its end when its caretaker, 31-year-old Phil Hurley of Des Plaines had much of his wardrobe set aflame by his ex-girlfriend during an epic fight that subsequently ended the couple’s relationship.