43-year-old White Sox infielder/bingo enthusiast Omar Vizquel won his medical appeal and was granted permission by MLB to use a walker on the basepaths. Vizquel requires the aid of a walker to protect his “troublesome hip” and to defend himself against “young punks” like Brent Morel and Paul Konerko.

“I should have done this years ago,” Vizquel said after warning Morel to stay off his lawn. “My days of being a speedster are long gone. My walker allows me to pace myself and really … wait, what are we talking about again?”

The White Sox are hoping Vizquel’s power stroke returns so the Venezuelan can safely and leisurely round the bases following a home run. Vizquel clubbed a career high 14 round-trippers as a Cleveland Indian in 2002, a season he recalls quite fondly.

“Charlie Manuel managed us for the first half of the year,” Vizquel said. “His office had this comfortable beige couch. And one day Charlie came in and he had been driving, what had he been driving? A Chrysler? No, no, it was a Pontiac. That’s right, a Pontiac. And the bumper on that car was manufactured overseas, but the Pontiac was built in Detroit. My old buddy Herb used to love Detroit. Herb is passed on now, but his wife made a helluva tuna casserole.”

By Jimmy Juliano. Photoshop by Pat Lamorte