MLB

Mired in an early season attendance slump, the Cubs announced Friday a new, reasonably priced beer and hot dog promotion aimed at drawing more fans to Wrigley Field, marking the first time the franchise has ever featured reasonably priced concessions.

Tom Ricketts has made it a priority to find a way to generate the revenue necessary to renovate aging Wrigley Field. He tried it through taxes, extra advertisements inside and outside the ballpark, and has even sent his rarely mentioned brother, Peter, to rob a string of banks in Northwest Indiana; but it has all been to no avail.

By now the desire of millions of baseball fans was to know how far that homer flew, and the craving for such knowledge was relentless. Ten years ago, a major airline paid a huge chunk of change to the tape measure industry to sponsor the question. However, the discovery in February of hollowed bats and pine tar in the airline’s hangars abruptly ended its sponsoring by court order.

Twenty-nine-year-old Chicagoan Pat Snyder claims to undyingly love the Cubs even though he does nothing but complain about them on his blog DiggingtheIvy.com.

“The first few weeks we were content to just hover around .500,” said manager Mike Quade. “But then I told the guys, ‘Hey, we can be more mediocre than that. We’re the Cubs.’”

“I ripped a hard foul ball during batting practice on Monday,” said the Cubs' backup catcher. “Those guys down the third base line really scattered. I was sure that alone was going to get me a few at-bats.”

“They are my friends,” said the eclectic hurler. “Sometimes I feel like they are the only ones who understand me ... who don’t judge me.”