The Chicago Cubs defeated and were defeated by the Los Angeles Dodgers on Saturday night, thus reaching a new level of mediocrity during their historically average run to begin the 2011 season.

“The first few weeks we were content to just hover around .500,” said manager Mike Quade. “But then I told the guys, ‘Hey, we can be more mediocre than that. We’re the Cubs.’”

His team responded, going into the Saturday night game with a record of 10-10, and somehow coming out of it with a record of 10.5-10.5.

“We won the first half of the game 0-0, and that’s when I challenged the guys to lose the second half by the same score,” said Quade. “At the end of nine, the umps recognized we were going nowhere and awarded us half a victory and half a loss. The final score was 0-0 and I couldn’t be more or less proud.”

“It’s so average,” said Cubs fan Mike Weathers in a monotone voice. “I am neither excited nor unexcited to see what the Cubs do next. I am sure it will be nothing special. It’s going to be a completely seasonish season.”

Heckler George