From day one of his family’s ownership of the Cubs, Tom Ricketts has made it a priority to find a way to generate the revenue necessary to renovate aging Wrigley Field. He tried it through taxes, extra advertisements inside and outside the ballpark, and has even sent his rarely mentioned brother, Peter, to rob a string of banks in Northwest Indiana; but it has all been to no avail.

Now that Peter is serving a two-year stint in jail for armed robbery, and that they’ve garnered bad publicity through their proposal of using taxpayer money to pay for Wrigley’s renovation, Ricketts has turned to his last resort – renovating the decaying ballpark himself.

“I’ve exhausted all of my options, so it looks like I’m going to have to do this myself,” said Ricketts while trying to pound in a nail using the wrong side of his hammer. “I got the idea while watching a special on Bob Vila last weekend. I thought, if he can do it, I can do it too. Plus, it’ll be a great way to rack up some rewards points on my Home Depot credit card.”

People have said that once Tom has his mind set to something, there is no stopping him. This project is proving to be no different.

Immediately after he watched Vila install a toilet, Ricketts went out shopping for building supplies, buying a new tool belt, any tool he could fit into his shopping cart, and a book, “The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Renovating Aging Ballparks.” He has even tried to start growing a Vila-like beard.

“It’s coming in nicely,” said the smooth, baby-faced Ricketts. “Oh yeah, any day now.”

Written by Michael Kloempken. Photoshop by Kurt Evans

Michael Kloempken