MLB

Derek Jeter recently insisted his decline in offensive productivity and fielding prowess had nothing to do with aging or his relationship with the Charlie’s Angel star, Minka Kelly. Instead, he claims, carpal tunnel is the culprit.

"Nick looked really good in the batter's box," said GM Jim Hendry. "I decided he'd be a great addition to this club so I made a little magic happen and signed him to a three-deal, $18 million deal."

"Days like Tuesday have been hard to come by," said WGN meteorologist Tom Skilling. "We had a low pressure front bringing warm, dry air from the West but unfortunately it was met by god-awful pitching and untimely hitting from the Cubs. Can you believe they gave up a five-run inning in each game? Kind of makes me want to vomit."

“It’s cruel and unusual punishment to say the least,” said defense attorney Sheldon Sorosky. “I’m sure Rod would rather do 15 years of hard time in the general population at Cook County than have to suffer through the next 25 years of his life as a die-hard Cubs fan.”

The new stat, called Total Mets Loss Factor (TMLF), will be determined by counting the number of agonizing, excruciating, heart and gut wrenching losses a team has per season, then rating them based on pain delivered to a fan of that team.

Cubs outfielder Marlon Byrd returned to baseball this week after getting hit in the face with a pitch last month in Boston. During his first minor league rehab game for the Triple-A Iowa Cubs, Byrd got hit by another pitch, this one in the back. It was just another in a long line of ignored warnings from the baseball gods that Byrd immediately leave the sport.

A recent study has found the New York Mets' fanbase is in fact populated by a majority of red-headed stepchildren, which accounts for the way they're treated by the rest of the baseball world.