Derek Jeter recently insisted his decline in offensive productivity and fielding prowess had nothing to do with aging or his relationship with the Charlie’s Angel star, Minka Kelly. Instead, he claims, carpal tunnel is the culprit.

“Every season, I come to spring training like A-Rod on steroids. But inevitably, my chronic battle with the numbness of the thumb, index, long, and radial half of the ring finger catches up with me,” said the Yankees captain. “Do you know how many autograph sessions I have to attend in the offseason? Then we’ve got the endorsements.”

Jeter went on to explain that most of his spring training is spent with marketing executives of Gatorade, Ford and EA Sports.

“My hand quakes from signing all those checks and contracts,” he said. “And here’s something annoying: Why can’t the government make one simple form for capital gains and income tax? When you travel and work in as many cities as I do, the local and state tax forms add up.”

Jeter then pulled a shoulder muscle as he tried to lift all the compliance documents he had to sign for his new Tampa mansion dubbed “St. Jetersburg.”

By Young Kim

Heckler George