MLB

In a bold move aimed at picking off North Side fans, the White Sox have dropped the “We’re All In” slogan and replaced it with a more aggressive “Not As Bad As The Cubs™” mantra.

Not only will the stands at Arizona’s Chase Field be filled to capacity this Tuesday, but so will the dugouts. Bud Selig announced today that every active player in baseball is on call for the Midsummer Classic.

“The U.S. Defense Department contractor that has secretly been creating all my replacement parts and updated hitting software was having some slight issues with the hydraulic valves in the replacement wrist,” Pujols said. “Had everything gone according to plan, I would have been back much sooner so I apologize to all Cardinals fans and fans of teams hoping to sign me as a free agent next season. I’m looking at you Cubs. Seriously, call me and offer me $156 million over 10 years.”

The celebration over Derek Jeter’s historic three-thousand-hit milestone was cut short when Jeter abruptly left the stadium in the seventh inning holding a fist-full of checks.

A Yankees fan club known as “The Swanky Yankees” is protesting the legalization of gay marriage, after it was revealed that a Yankees fan had married a Red Sox fan on the day of the law’s enactment.

Babe Ruth’s reign as the largest bust in Monument Park will soon come to an end. Christian Lopez, the young fan who caught, and selflessly gave back Derek Jeter’s 3000th hit, will soon be immortalized amongst the Yankee legends beyond the center field wall.

Speculation of wrongdoing began when an unnamed source leaked information that the cash-strapped Wilpons secretly cut the medical budget by 75 percent after the disastrous 2009 season, which saw almost every player on the Mets roster land on the disabled list.