The celebration over Derek Jeter’s historic three-thousand-hit milestone was cut short when Jeter abruptly left the stadium in the seventh inning holding a fist-full of checks.
“Adios, suckers!” Jeter shouted as reporters chased him through the stadium. “I’m taking this straight to the bank. Screw Disneyland!”
When asked how his achievement affected the game of baseball and the Yankees organization, Jeter left little room for nostalgia.
“Steinbrenner can suck it. Have fun with A-rod. I don’t need your money anymore. Now, I’m rich for real,” Jeter yelled. “To all my fans, keep an eye out for my book, ‘Three Thousand Three Shmousand’, my DJ3K shoes from Skechers, my movie ‘Big Time in the Big Leagues’, my new song with the Pussycat Dolls ‘Jeet, Jeet, Move UR Feet’ and my TV show on E!, ‘Derek: Dusk to Dawn’.”
A six-year-old fan shouted after Jeter from the stands, asking about his “love for the game.”
“Yeah, kid.” Jeter replied. “I really love watching grown men hit balls with sticks for three hours. I’m 37 years old. I got over that a long time ago. Thank God I can finally stop wearing tights.”
With that, Jeter leaped into his Bugati Veyron and sped into the distance.
By Scott Keiner