D Bags

Bettman made the announcement from a limousine in downtown Vancouver that was being rocked back and forth by a few dozen local hooligans Wednesday night.

In the fifth year of his eight-year $136 million deal Cubs left fielder Alfonso Soriano has been leading the team in home runs, is near the top of the Cubs RBI list, and has been playing better defensively, but apparently he’s missed the one thing he learned to embrace his last first years in Chicago: booing.

Plenty of NBA pundits have by now made the mistake of questioning Michael Jordan’s “all-time greatest player” status in the wake of LeBron James’ meteoric and sustained rise to basketball stardom. Since Jordan’s playing days are behind him, he recently challenged LBJ to a battle for alpha-male status on his new home court -- the floor of the MGM Grand Casino in Las Vegas.

“It’s cruel and unusual punishment to say the least,” said defense attorney Sheldon Sorosky. “I’m sure Rod would rather do 15 years of hard time in the general population at Cook County than have to suffer through the next 25 years of his life as a die-hard Cubs fan.”

"I used to think Kristin was just your average extremely spoiled West Coast rich girl who never worked a day in her life, but now I know she's just as bad as people like Lauren Conrad, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt. Truly awful."

“Every time he got aces, he yelled ‘A-Bombs for A-Rod!’ to the entire table,” said self-proclaimed top poker player in the world, Phil Hellmuth. “He was easier to read than a children’s book.”

When LAPD officer Frank Smith arrived at Sean Avery’s Hollywood Hills home in the wee hours of Friday morning, the last thing he expected was to get his ass kicked, but that’s exactly what is alleged to have happened when Officer Smith confused Avery with figure-skater Brian Boitano.