After a night of riots following Vancouver’s Stanley Cup meltdown and Game 7 loss to the Bruins Wednesday night, NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman has taken the extreme measure of folding the Canucks, saying the city has “again proven itself to be unworthy of an NHL franchise.”
Bettman made the announcement from a limousine in downtown Vancouver that was being rocked back and forth by a few dozen local hooligans Wednesday night.
“As if another epic playoff collapse marred by dirty play and constant whining wasn’t enough, to see the entire city revolt in this manner is despicable,” said a panicked Bettman. “It’s time to finally put this terrible franchise out of its misery.”
Bettman said all current Canucks players will not be eligible to play for another NHL team, calling them “complete d bags.” He singled out twin brothers Henrik and Daniel Sedin as “especially douchey.”
Bettman’s limo was eventually freed from the clutches of the moronic riots, but only after they spotted a Molson truck down the block.