Breaking!

"We think the fans will get behind the 'everyman' aspect of this new promotion," Boyer explained. "It will encourage people in these hard times, keeping hopes and dreams alive. Just imagine, one minute you're some shlub sitting in the 500-level seats and then, wham, you're the bullpen coach: novelty hire!"

“The dude hung his jersey over my locker door,” said Scott, still fuming about the incident as a trainer bandaged his knuckles. “So I got the ol’ baboon arms going and put him in his place.”

"With New York out of the picture, we have determined that the rest of the post-season is simply not fiscally viable," said Fox Sports spokesperson, Stacey Cooper. "We've informed [MLB commissioner] Bud Selig of our decision and he has, understandably, consented."

President Obama has invited the Super Bowl XX championship Bears to the White House after their original visit was postponed in 1986 and never rescheduled. While there, ESPN has convinced them to reunite the ‘Shufflin' Crew’ to record a new opening for MNF.

"It is just disgusting that we lost to these bums," said Rodriguez. "Their payroll is only $100 million. What is this, 1999? Talk about living below the poverty line. They can't even afford personal assistants for their batboys."

According to Revelation 59, verse 15: “And the mighty jungle cats shall cut free its once leader of men. But descending from the western lands shall appear a fearless entity, a man from the lush sunshine state returning in all his glory. And he shall lead the lynx to glory and prominence, carrying his people on his back, plowing through obstacles with his mighty legs, and whipping all enemies with his unorthodox throwing motion.”

ESPN’s broadcast trio of Jon Gruden, Ron Jaworski and Mike Tirico are known for their sensational rants and raves when it comes to quarterbacks, but this week will bring a new wrinkle: outlandish apparel.