Breaking!

The Blackhawks flew into O'Hare early Sunday morning after their West Coast road trip to six fans holding "Welcome Home" signs and two league officials holding stacks of urine cups. All the Hawks did well on their routine pop quizzes save for Patrick Kane, whose urine came back full of Viagra, Red Bull, Grey Goose, and ExtenZe.

A report broke Tuesday morning that the Cubs are pursuing both Prince Fielder and Albert Pujols, a move team president Theo Epstein secretly admitted is being done just to screw with the Cubs' fan base.

"Get ready, boxing world. Injun Joe is coming your way," said Oscar De La Hoya, CEO of Golden Boy Promotions. "As soon as I saw him throw that right cross in the video, I had to sign him!"

Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings. Mr. Weathers, despite playing only 8 NFL games, was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.

“This late start to the season has me stressing and pressing about my dressing,” the legendary Knicks announcer said. “I have a prodigious closet with 100 new suits made from only the finest fabulous fabrics, and the fans are going to see them all.”

Following what appears to be a struck deal to partially salvage the 2011-2012 NBA season, the actor who plays Benny The Bull quickly scoured his basement apartment in a panic, screaming "Where's the Head?!"

We just released a handful of $65 Cyber Monday spots for The Heckler's United Center Blackhawks-Coyotes trip and party tomorrow. Hurry up so you're not left behind! Price includes mid-range 300-level game ticket, pre- and post-party at The Fifty/50 and transportation to and from the game. It's the best deal you'll find on a Hawks game trip at the United Center. Click here or follow this link to buy: http://nov29hawkstrip.eventbrite.com/