The Blackhawks flew into O’Hare early Sunday morning after their West Coast road trip to six fans holding “Welcome Home” signs and two league officials holding stacks of urine cups. All the Hawks did well on their routine pop quizzes save for Patrick Kane, whose urine came back full of Viagra, Red Bull, Grey Goose, and ExtenZe.

“LA? Vegas? Those are target-rich environments. You’ve got to be in peak physical shape when you play out there,” Kane said. “I didn’t want to take any chances. I will take full responsibility if I get suspended.”

Thankfully for the Hawks the NHL does not include any of the ingredients found in Kane’s system on their “no-no” list. Coach Joel Quenneville was asked for his reaction.

“I think it’s punishment enough that the public now knows he takes ExtenZe,” said Quenneville. “The organization isn’t going to do anything to him.”

“I am!” teammate Daniel Carcillo said as he passed by. “How embarrassing. I thought there was only one 40 year old on this team!”

Before a team meeting Kane was found sitting in the locker room by himself looking very pensive. When asked what was wrong he said

“O’Donnell told me Goldenseal would cover that stuff up,” said Kane. “I’m going to have to get him back and put shaving cream in his gloves or something.”