A report broke Tuesday morning that the Cubs are pursuing both Prince Fielder and Albert Pujols, a move team president Theo Epstein secretly admitted is being done just to screw with the Cubs’ fan base.

“Clearly anyone who believes this rumor has not seen our balance sheet,” said Epstein. “We’re so bogged down by terrible contracts that we couldn’t afford Fielder’s 12-year-old son. We know because we looked into it. The little Fielder kid is only taking offers from the Yankees and Red Sox right now.”

Epstein said he wasn’t sure where the rumor was coming from, but he wasn’t in a hurry to squelch it.

“It’s good to get these downtrodden fans excited about something for once and if they think for even a minute that I might be able to pull off Fielder and Pujols, they might believe I’m the miracle man I was brought here to be,” said Epstein. “And then by the end of this season if we actually finish higher than fourth place, what do you know? It’s a miracle!”