Breaking!

For the first time in history, both men and women alike scrambled to find the Oprah Winfrey Network in their cable guide on Thursday in order to see the big confession interview of one Lance Armstrong. Like all those who followed and worshiped Lance through the years, they were met with massive disappointment.

Fans were aghast when it was announced that batting practice would cost an additional $5 for spring training games. However, the Tigers were not done innovating the baseball experience.

"I got bored with my life back in Bismarck where I worked as a CPA," said Phillips aka Te'o. "So some friends and I decided I should concoct a new identity for myself and get a fresh start life elsewhere."

"In addition to his vast knowledge of the game, we're hoping Marc can bring in some of that elusive CFL talent. For too many years, players have been reticent to venture below the border, but now, just maybe, we can attract guys like Henry Burris and Chris Leak back into the NFL fold."

“We just figured he was preparing lunch,” said Ted Phillips after seeing Emery escort a head of lettuce into Halas Hall. “But when I found out he was actually giving an interview, naturally I became a bit concerned."

"Taking three months out of every season every year is an NHL tradition," said Bettman. "People have come to expect a certain level of dysfunction that is synonymous with my tenure."

The Brits shot an amazing 89% from the field, and thanks to some nifty defenses drawn up by their mentor/owner Simon Cowell, they won going away, 116-90.