For the first time in history, both men and women alike scrambled to find the Oprah Winfrey Network in their cable guide on Thursday in order to see the big confession interview of one Lance Armstrong. Like all those who followed and worshiped Lance through the years, they were met with massive disappointment.

“I’m so glad to be able to finally get this off my chest,” started Armstrong. “All these years of keeping it in and denying it, I didn’t want it to come to a situation where cheating was going on. I’m glad to be able to confess this to you, Oprah … I LOVE KATIE HOLMES!” Lance then jumped up and down on Oprah’s couch like some sort of doped-up maniac, repeating his love for the 34 year old recently-divorced actress.

“From 1999 to 2005 I was living a massive lie,” said Armstrong. “I pretended to love my original wife, that hag Sheryl Crow, but really the whole time all I could think about was Katie. She was so amazing in Dawson’s Creek, I used to spend hours singing the theme song while staring at her picture. Did anyone see Batman Begins? She totally made that film great, and when they replaced her with horse-face Maggie Gyllenhall in The Dark Knight, it completely ruined it. Then in 2006, I retired from cycling so I could spend time with her, and she ended up hooking up with that freakazoid Tom Cruise.”

Armstrong paused as he started to get emotional while Oprah held his hand for comfort. “Lance, it’s okay. But I think the world is tuning in to find out what has been going on in the rest of your life. That’s what we’re here to talk about,” Oprah pried.

“Well, I really enjoy long bike rides and have always been willing to do whatever it takes… to take a relaxing ride through France with Katie. She’s single now and there’s no reason for us to not be together! I LOVE KATIE HOLMES!” Armstrong bellowed one last time before grabbing a bicycle from backstage and wildly riding around Oprah’s set brandishing a sign that read “MARRY ME KATIE!”

After hearing about the events of the Armstrong confession interview, Katie Holmes replied saying, “I’m very flattered by all this. The fact that anyone can find me attractive after being with Tom is great. I can look past the fact that Lance is a lying, cheating, scumbag and just be glad for the fact he’s not another Scientology nutjob.”

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