Bears GM Phil Emery finally decided to hire former Montreal Alouettes head coach Marc Trestman this week after interviewing 124 candidates at six different levels and four different sports. The feeling at Halas Hall was one of excitement, but the real meatballs, the ones who complain about things that don’t matter like passion and defensive tradition, are a bit more skeptical.

“Dis Tress-man guy seems a little too Canadian for my liking,” said Little Village resident Gus Plutowski. “I bet up there, they can’t even hit guys no more. How is dis Tress-man going to keep dis team intense like Butkus used to play? And a law degree? My buddy Sal’s a cop, he ain’t so smart.”

Bears brass informed the fans during a press conference yesterday what Trestman is planning to do in his Bears tenure.

“The fans should know that Marc [Trestman] informed us he plans to open a few steak joints, sell cigars and wine, and grow a mustache as soon as possible,” said Bears GM Phil Emery “What won me over was his simplification of breaking the season into quarters of a meter. The metric system is just easier to understand.”

Brew Dreesus